Today I ran into someone who told me I don't look sick. I thought it was really rude- I wanted to say so much- but I just smiled and said thank you- then on the drive home I thought about what my illness has done to my life.
How dare this person- and maybe they were just not thinking but they do not know what I have lived with:
I have throw up in planters at the Mall when I suddenly feel sick shopping for school clothes.
I have thrown up in barf bags on the plane while sitting in the middle seat and had to en dour the embarrassment of the other passengers knowing what was happening and trying so hard to be quiet and keep the smell contained.
I have thrown up in trash cans- too many to count- sometimes at my children's school because it comes on so fast. Trying so hard to not let anyone know because I do not want to embarrass the kids.
I carry barf bags in my car and purse- just in case.
I have been to the Dr. and the ER more than 100 times- sometimes I get Dr.'s and nurses that treat me like a drug addict, when all I want is for the pain and cramping to stop- and the puking to just end.
I have had to ask friends, and loved ones to dump my bile puke bucket because sometimes I just can't get out of bed to do it myself, and I can fill them up so fast- puking every 2-3 minutes for 12-14 hours- even though I eat or drink nothing.
I have had so many nurses "miss" when giving me an IV- just adding more discomfort to an already horrible situation.
I have had to hear the disappointment in my kids voices when they come home and see that Mom is sick "again."
I buy special puke buckets from the Dollar Store- just to have containers to puke in.
I have been to so many Dr.'s and specialists- getting my homes up, trying new drugs and treatments, only to have it not work.
I have had vacations ruined because I got sick and had to go to the Er. I have to know where the nearest ER is when I go places.
I have been alone and had my sickness start up- and laid on the floor of bathrooms, airports, stores, just not caring and wanting to die.
I have had to ask strangers and friends to give me rides to and from the ER- nothing like puking in the car in front of someone.
I have had to drive home from places so sick that I had no business driving, sometimes pulling over for hours- finding a deserted parking lot where no one will call the police on me.
I have lost jobs because I had to call in sick so much. I have lost friends because they do not understand- hell I do not understand.
I have had to cancel Christmas Eve dinners and Thanksgiving dinners because I am not well enough to cook.
I have had to hire people to help me take care of my dogs because I just can't feed and water and clean the kennels.
I have thought about suicide, because no one should have to live like this.
I am terrified 24 hours a day that I will get sick- every pang in my stomach causes me concern- is this an episode?
Yes, when I am well I am well and I can get things done- I try to make up for the times when I am bedridden. I try to be the Mom I want to be all the time- so you might see me and think I don't look sick- but remember you have not walked a step in my shoes.
