Today I went to a dark place....

Today I woke up with really bad stomach cramps. I tried tol ay down and took some Tylenol but they were getting worse and I lost it. I was so scared that I would have another episode- so scared that the surgery and the weeks in the hospital last month were for nothing. The pain was very similar to what would happen before an episode. I was trying my bed to hide it and thinking of all the things I needed to get done today- just bawling my eyes out on the patio- playing the same tapes...why me. I finally decided that if it was an episode that I would end my life- that my family and kids would be better off spending my insurance money and I would be out of pain.

I prayed, and cried, and whines, and did all the childish things I could do. Then tried to go about my day- things still needed to get done. Jen wanted to go buy a new car we had been looking at- and slowly, so very slowly my cramping began to ease. I am forever grateful for that- but still scared to death for the next time.