Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Today I went to a dark place....

Today I woke up with really bad stomach cramps. I tried tol ay down and took some Tylenol but they were getting worse and I lost it. I was so scared that I would have another episode- so scared that the surgery and the weeks in the hospital last month were for nothing. The pain was very similar to what would happen before an episode. I was trying my bed to hide it and thinking of all the things I needed to get done today- just bawling my eyes out on the patio- playing the same tapes...why me. I finally decided that if it was an episode that I would end my life- that my family and kids would be better off spending my insurance money and I would be out of pain.

I prayed, and cried, and whines, and did all the childish things I could do. Then tried to go about my day- things still needed to get done. Jen wanted to go buy a new car we had been looking at- and slowly, so very slowly my cramping began to ease. I am forever grateful for that- but still scared to death for the next time.


  1. You just better get those crazy ideas out of your head. You're not allowed to take the easy way out. That's an order!

  2. That is right, no taking the easy way out. This world is rare with people like you Kate. We need you.