Saturday, May 9, 2009

She is gone- and I am still lost sometimes

Just wanting to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Mother's Day is different for everyone- some that are struggling with infertility- this is a very hard day. I remember during my own infertility journey how I would long to be able to celebrate this day with a baby that I could call my own.

If you have lost a child- this is also a very hard day- a day to think about all of the "what ifs"

Some struggle with their own relationship with their Mother's- so this may not be a day to celebrate- but a day to reflect on how you might do things differently.

Some have lost their Mother- they may or may not have know her- but we all have or had a Mother.

Whatever the day holds for you- my blessing and thoughts are with you.

I would like to share some about my Mother. I had a great Mother. My Mother was the PTO President, the crafty one who was always trying to make people smile. She was a cake decorator, she could sew, she made incredible food. She was smart, and funny, and beautiful. I remember she had the most sexy legs of anyone I had ever seen. She took on projects that most could not do with 10 helpers- she would do herself. She lived to make my brother and I happy. - unfortunately her love for alcohol clouded her judgement and she died of liver failure when I was 25.

I was incredibly sad to lose my Mother- but at 25 I did not fully understand the impact it would have on my life. Sure I knew I was losing my Mom, my friend, that I could call at all hours of the day and night. I lost that financial go to parent that I knew I had in my back pocket if I need car repairs or an emergency came up. I knew I was losing my Mother, an import figure. It was not until many years later that I knew how deep that cut.

Once you have children of your own you understand your own parents a little more. When my kids were/are sick I want to call my Mom and ask her how she would handle it- but she is gone.

When Toby was being life flighted to children's hospital and I was scared out of my mind- I wanted to call my Mom- she would have flown here without even being asked- but she was gone.

When I had twins and wanted to share the exciting news- I wanted to call my Mom- but she was gone.

When I found out I was finally having a little girl- I wanted to tell my Mom- but she was gone.

When I am sick and can't get out of bed- I know my Mom would have come to take care of me and help with the kids and make me chicken soup- but she is gone.

When Bryce lettered in football and we were all so proud of him- I wanted to call my Mom and tell her how great her Grandson is- but she is gone.

When I just want to cry- and I don't know why- only my Mom would understand- I want her to just give me a hug and tell me it will be OK- but she is gone.

When I want to call someone and complain about my Dad and how impossible he is sometimes- or my step Mother and how my kids are treated differently then the other grand kids and how hurt they are or I am-I have even dialed her old number- but she is gone.

When I want my Mom to know what a great life I have, wonderful kids, and a spouse that loves me more then anything- someone I know she would love too- but she never got to meet her- because she is gone.

It hurts to lose a parent- so if you are lucky enough on this day to have a Mom that you have a good relationship with- call her and tell her how much you love and appreciate her.

(This is where I wanted to post a picture of my Mom- but Jen has not hooked up the scanner despite me asking her several times a day for 4 or 5 days now- so I give up. I don't have any digital pictures of her and only a few regular pictures- but I have no computer skills to scan the ones I have in- so no picture for my post- maybe next year).


  1. Loss is hard, huh... my heart goes out to you, sweetie. hugs and love...

  2. Happy Mothers Day! I have a daughter in Heaven and you a Mom I hope they know each other she sounds wonderful....

  3. Oh, sweetie, what a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing about your mom. ((HUGS))

  4. Aww Kate. Im so sorry. I dont have my Mother either. She is still alive but wants nothing to do with me. I havent heard from her in almost 4 years. This is the first year I have decided to stop sending her cards for every holiday and only send Christmas cards even though I never get anything back. I know she gets them because Mother's Day 2 years ago my Great Grandmother told me she got her card but never opened it. I assume she knows she has a Granddaughter because my Great Grandmother would have mentioned it. I don't know if she ever knew about the 2 pregnancies I had.
    As far as I know, she only refuses to talk to me because she knows I communicate with my Father again. And really I only do so because I want to keep in touch with my sister. My sister also says that our Mother will not talk to her either. It's really very sad and as much as she has hurt me I still think of her and sometimes wish I had her to call. I really do not understand how you can write off both of your children and pretend they do not exist. And for no real rational reason.

    But, I do have my Mother In Law who is just like my Mother. She is everything I need and is always a phone call away. Her and I over the past few years have grown very close. More like a Mother Daughter relationship vs friendship like I had with my Mother.

    In a way though, I sometimes think I am better off from what my sister has told me.
    It just hurts.

    Anyways, sorry this was so long. I hope you dont mind. I just wanted to share so you know that you are not alone in missing your Mother. Even though for different reasons.

    Your a wonderful Mother Kate.

  5. Okay, I shouldn't have read this... crying here! Hugs!